When someone close to you drinks, you deserve support too
Codependency affects the partners, children and parents of people with addiction. It often happens quietly: you watch, explain, wait, and stop thinking about yourself. This page will help you understand what is going on and where to start.
What is codependency
It is a state in which your thoughts, emotions and everyday decisions increasingly revolve around a loved one’s drinking. It starts with care and, over time, takes the place of your own needs. There are more people affected by codependency than people with addiction, and it is not your fault or a weakness. It is a response to long-term stress, and you can recover from it.
Signs
- Excessive worry about the person who drinks
- Trying to control their behaviour and drinking
- Neglecting your own needs
- Difficulty setting boundaries
Effects
- Chronic stress and exhaustion
- Anxiety and tension at home
- Guilt
- Helplessness
What support gives you
- Emotional balance
- A clearer view of your own needs
- Healthier ways of coping
- Relief, even if your loved one is not ready to change
How to talk to someone who drinks
No single conversation will change everything at once. But some approaches lower the risk of a fight and help you stay calm.
Choose a moment when they are sober
Talking while they are drunk usually ends in an argument or goes nowhere. A calm moment the next day gives you a better chance of being heard.
Talk about yourself, not them
Instead of “you’re drunk again”, try “I’m scared when you come home at night”. Describing how you feel is harder to push back on than an accusation.
Don’t carry the consequences for them
Covering for missed work or paying off debts shields them from the consequences that often prompt change.
Set boundaries and keep them
Say clearly what you won’t accept and what you will do if it happens again. A boundary only works when you hold it.
Don’t wait until they are ready
You can get support for yourself right now, whether or not the person who drinks wants to change.
Look after yourself
You can’t fully control their decisions. You can control whether you have strength, rest and people around you.
How Restart can help
The app isn’t only for people with addiction. The tools that help them help their loved ones too.
Emotion journal
Write down how you feel and what happened. Over time it becomes easier to see how the situation at home affects you.
Understanding addiction
Short lessons on how addiction works help you make sense of your loved one’s behaviour and stop blaming yourself.
Community
Talk anonymously, day or night, with people who know similar situations from their own lives.
Addiction therapist
When you feel ready, talk to a specialist who will help you make a plan for yourself.
If you feel unsafe
If there is violence at home or you fear for your safety or your children’s safety, don’t wait. Call for help.
Write to us
Have a question or not sure where to start? We’ll reply discreetly and without judgement.